i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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