Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
