OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
