what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
