If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
