Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize