she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
