Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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