unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
