3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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