Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
you made out with another girl for some wings
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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