Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
