Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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