yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
