I am puke
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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