I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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