I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
