Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
