He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
