I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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