Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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