I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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