i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize