If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
