There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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