i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
