She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
