we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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