In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize