I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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