theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Randomize
