I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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