break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize