I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
