Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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