New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
