Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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