I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
