im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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