The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize