All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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