I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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