im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
