if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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