May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
