after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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