Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
