So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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