the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
