How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
