If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
