my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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