Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
