this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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