Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize