I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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