He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
