I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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