Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
